My youngest sister is about to start college this year. Time flies extremely fast. The occasion got me thinking about my own long interminable education and unfinished career.
Few uerm peeps know this... but since I've left high school, I've never had a full summer break. I've had summer classes ever since I started college at UST. Hangang 1st year sa ue hindi pa rin ako nadala. In short, wala pa akong buong summer vacation for the past 6 years.
Never pa akong na-delay (a conundrum, until now) laging 2nd sem ang bagsak ko kya pwede kong i-summer. Tinanong na sakin yan ng guidance counselor ng UST, sabi nya tingnan ko raw ung mga sched ng subjects, bka may pattern daw sa mga binabagsak ko. Pero mejo alam ko nman ang rason kung bakit ako ganito.
I never really wanted to become a doctor.
People may not perceive it, but I'm a deeply spiritual person. I pray before making decisions. And in choosing a college, I prayed that if I got into UST, that will be my 'sign' that the Lord wants me to go into med.
Ang hirap ng bio. I started questioning my being there. I became content with just 'passing'. In effect, I was sabotaging myself. Subconsciously, I know that if I get delayed, i'd shift to an easier course. I was waiting for an excuse. But I never got delayed. Ang galing... weird, laging sabit. As every failure I got pulled my pride down a notch, I learned to cope. I know that failure doesnt mean the end, and I learned to accept what comes. So I finished bio, with a lot of lingering doubts and a disgracefully tarnished transcript.
I applied to UE and got in. But I wasnt willing to commit myself to a lifetime of studying, neither was I eager to join the daily grind yet. So I chose the more familiar of the two. As usual I prayed for a sign... this time, a butterfly, an insect that I would hardly notice. Then I resigned myself to the possibility that I was destined to join the workforce. And so, a week passed and nothing. I wasnt going to make any move without my 'sign'. It was three days before UE starts classes, I was home alone watching TV when a girl with a big butterfly print blouse came on. I started laughing. And enrolled the next day.
My first year at uerm wasnt any different from my UST bio days. It was hard for me to believe that the Lord wanted me to become a doctor. I didnt think I can handle the responsibility... I dont want the responsibility. I did well the first few modules, then my doubts started to resurface. I had to take removals for 2 modules, if I failed both, I'd be delayed or kicked out. As usual, I only failed one... and had to take summer classes. But i'm still in. Still on time.
So that was the 'pattern'. I decided to test it. Which was why (to the confusion of some people) I was doing better this 2nd year. It was hard, working to raise my grade after 5 years of habitual slacking off, but I managed to do slightly better this year. I had no removals in any of the modules. I had some probs with OSCE and PDII but basically, I was ok.
I was stubborn... still am. but since I dont want to get swallowed by a whale or turned into a pillar of salt, I choose to believe this... however outrageous it may sound. Maybe I'm only supposed to reach 4th year. Maybe I'm destined to save only one life, then die in a car wreck. Maybe I'm supposed to become a missionary doc to Africa. Ewan. So I learned to give in and let go.
I may never really get rid of my doubts... but I learned to enjoy med life. I've allowed myself to think that maybe, I can become a halfway competent doc. The idea does have some appeal.
Either way, I'll try to do better from now on. Med school is horrendously difficult. It's nice to speculate that the Lord is on my side.
---kzs---
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